Many people act very shocked when they hear that their partner has currently or in the past used the services of an escort agency. They see a failure in the real world, smell cheating and unbridled lustfulness. But is that really the point? What is the point when surprised partners are indignant that an ordinary affair would have been bad enough, but sex for money would be the straw that broke the camel's back?
Let's first look at why we react so violently when our partner sees someone else. Isn't it primarily fear?
Fear of being abandoned, fear of not being adequate in comparison with "the other".
Jealousy of the time the partner spares for "the new one".
On closer inspection, these are all points that couples in open relationships can certainly cope with, which is why it is worth considering whether the situation does not touch on deeper needs.
In fact, the bad feeling, the pain that comes with the realization of a partner's affair is based much more on cheating.
Sex outside the relationship is tainted with shame, consequently we lie. We conceal an essential point of our emotional world from the most important person in our lives and still think we are only doing it for his good.
But yes, he who lies once is not believed, and so we ask ourselves whether we now have to mistrust our partner in all situations. So the lie is the real problem.
This and, when the situation becomes loud, shame again. A feeling of exposure in the social environment. The knowledge of how people will henceforth talk behind one's back.
An escort lady meets the demands of her client completely unconditionally.
She defines in a contractual framework which services she feels obliged to provide
and does not enter into any kind of commitment to her clients beyond that.
She demands nothing emotionally and gives nothing more than an illusion.
Love excludes itself from the outset.
The escort lady disappears from her client's life forever at the end of the meeting.
He is left with no private data to fall back on.
He knows virtually nothing about her, because she will not confide any details to him.
Basically, both remain strangers to each other even after the night spent together.
The client returns to his everyday life.
His relationships need not be affected in any way by this action.
As a rule, there is absolute anonymity and discretion.
The probability is close to 0 that anything will ever become a conversation about this evening among one's own circle of acquaintances.
So the woman at home does not have to feel threatened at first. The strange woman is no competition. Thanks to the high degree of discretion, no one has to face the danger of falling into disrepute.
Depending on the character of the partner, it can nevertheless be helpful to first broach the plan to meet an escort lady.
Such an open conversation strengthens the trust between each other and the joint finances can be managed consciously.
An escort date is not cheap, the lack of money is sometimes noticeable.
If everything goes well, a woman who knows about her husband's very specific preferences but cannot fulfil them is even relieved when the situation resolves itself discreetly in this way.
Trusting conversations are inevitable in this context. Especially because no one can know what their partner's sexual fantasies are if they have never talked about them.
However, there are also people who are so adamantly conservative in their upbringing that this kind of confrontation poses a greater threat to relationship development than the clandestine meeting with the escort per se.
A little knowledge of human nature will be necessary to be able to distinguish between the two variants.
Nevertheless, a service remains a more emotionally independent situation than an affair. Especially if, in the worst case, real feelings arise on the part of the lover and thus another person would be hurt.
There are probably as many reasons as there are for couples' needs to diverge over the years. Classically, couple counsellors experience the following conflict situations in which the man seeks sexual compensation elsewhere:
But isn't it the overflowing emotions that generally lead to affairs?
Real feelings that you give in to regardless of others?
This is probably where the difference between escort and affair becomes clearest.
An affair is connected with emotions.
It arises out of a brief moment of loss of control and can have unforeseeable consequences for a whole range of people.
Who's to say that "the new girl" doesn't already have a family?
Family at all. If emotions boil over because of a brief flirtation, it is usually not only the partners but also the children who suffer from separation situations or the thick air at home.
Booking an escort date circumvents these circumstances. It is a clear arrangement based on a few pictures and short facts. The goal is the predefined satisfaction of needs. Both parties do not approach each other beyond that.
The possible collateral damage is calculable. For example, distant cities can be used for the meetings. A clarifying conversation in advance is possible, though perhaps not absolutely necessary. The situation does not have to degenerate into insurmountable secrecy.
The bottom line is that an escort date is the much more forward-looking alternative besides an affair.
Of course, the necessary money should not be missing from the joint account in the end. And very important: If the arrangement is based on an open agreement, the partner should of course not miss out either.
After all, it would be unfair if she were not entitled to the same options as him in this context.